Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
