I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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