She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
