He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
