In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
