I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
