New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
