Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
