He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
