I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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