so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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