We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
