theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
