Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
