He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
