Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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