I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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