I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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