If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
