I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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