Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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