i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
