The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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