mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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