I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
