when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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