she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
