K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
