and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
