I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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