Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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