I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
