You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
