why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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