i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
