You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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