I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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