There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
