you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
