I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
