Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
