Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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