i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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