i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
