cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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