omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
