You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
