Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
