can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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