you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
