I cut my penus on the lid.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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