Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
