i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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